A Silhouette Of Madness

"I am a blank page.

I am a cold hard stone

That weathers the storm.

I am a zombie, haunted by

Indelible shadows and white lights.

I am a debris, shoved here and afar

By the rising tides of the lonely sea."

I think everyone has that moment in life when they are just there- seeing and feeling everything…but nothing in particular. There is a fine line between happiness and sadness, and you’re in that state of mind where you’re just swaying in between. The hours and days pass by like the fleeting wind. Another sun. Another moon. Another monotonous repeat. The world seems to move on, but without your full participation. I get this feeling every now and then and I call it “the zombie feeling”. You laugh. You cry. And sometimes, you neither laugh nor cry. But that is life. It is not all rainbows and unicorns like we believed it to be when we were young and naive. Life can be harsh and cruel in the real world. But sometimes, that helps us open our eyes and clear our visions.

I compare the zombie days to life on the moon. Although I have never been to the moon, I do know how it feels to be in a crowded room and still feel alone, even with the sea of familiar faces. The emptiness and loneliness it carries along with it can be, at times, unbearable. I personally find it excruciating to be around people when I feel like this. I have to pretend to be in the moment, when the truth is that I am nowhere near the moment. But mind you, for I do not mean it literally, but emotionally. It’s like a person is devoid of emotions or feelings, or he shuts them off and choose to go numb… I do not know which one. But this should not be mistaken for depression.  For when you are depressed, you are sad and that is indeed an emotion. Blank Page… That is how I like to define it… You feel like a blank page. A page waiting to be written by the hands of fate, graced by patience and perfected by time. But it feels like you’re waiting forever for that moment to come.

I have this habit of thinking about everything around me when i feel like a blank page…for reasons I myself do not understand. My mind wanders off to different places and dimensions all at the same time. I look at people, like my teachers, and wonder if they are happy or if they are where they wanted to be in life and my friends- I wonder if they are anxious about the future like I am. I think about the past, how we seemed happier than we are now, and him- if life treats him good, or if he too wonders what could have been. Then my mind jumps to time and clothes and aliens and songs and shoes….the lists go on and on. In short, I think about everything but nothing in particular. 

Maybe it’s a part of growing up, to feel so dysfunctional at certain times. Or maybe it’s a sign that says “Below average”. Or maybe it’s because I find it difficult to let go of the past. I don’t really know. As we grow older, we begin to understand more about life, its beauty and its baggage of ugliness and we are on a journey towards accepting them.  And ultimately, we will. But I truly believe that it’s okay to be a train wreck or get a few bruises along the way. It’s okay to feel like a zombie, or a blank page every once in a while… because every experience is a form of exploration. There will come a day when all of this makes sense.  Meanwhile, I can just sit back and embrace this feeling of profound madness, for nothing in life is permanent and this too shall not last. I sincerely hope it adds another interesting layer to my being and a colorful depth to my wandering soul. :) :)